R.E.P.O.R.T.E.R.
— reflecting
wooooooooeeeeeeeeee.... havent been doing much reflection so we will just reflect on the week!
the last couple of weeks ive felt pretty stressed because i had my lsat test scheduled for yesterday. i did the remote version, so i had to completely clear off my desk and hide a bunch of clutter in my room. i had been feeling the tension and guilt building up the last couple of weeks because I honestly didn't study very much for it. i feel a little ashamed i didnt make the time to study because I probably could have cut out some of my typical time wasting activities.... but thats in the past... and so is the test!
I dont feel too bad about it... but we shall see in a handful of days.. scores come out on april 30th for this testing session... worse comes to worse... ill actually have to study and retake the test.... which i dont want to do but. if i must... anyway.
— enjoying
i've been enjoying watching sports somehow. work did a march madness bracket (and i enjoyed some fame for my early round picks as #1 in our leaderboards despite knowing nothing about sports in general) so it really got started there. then my dad has been watching the masters this week and in between ive been keeping up some with the hockey headlines.. (mostly because i have some friends into hockey). its been fun! my family (and me by extension) have never really been sport watching people but i kinda get it now. it would be fun to maybe get more into sports... at least casually so I can flip through the channels and find at least something to put on in the background.
while dad watched the last round of the masters today, i binged a sign of affection! its been on my to watch list (and of course we already know my tendency to not watch things) so i finally took the time to watch it! i usually dont like to binge shows (its fun to have 30ish minutes to look forward to something each week) but i find that binging romance anime is really one of my favorite ways to spend a lazy afternoon. i did the same thing a little while back with my happy marriage.. im thinking id like to start chipping away at my to watch list... (555) and maybe ill do a mix of weekend binges and dedicated weekly watch times... id love to be a girl who keeps track of her media... so i guess we can start now! in the year 2025... i have at least! completed one anime.
— playing
playing... do you mean zee's weekly love and deepspace update? no new games here unfortunately. but the intern at work asked me for reccommendations on what zayne stories to read since he is her least favorite. i got so excited to gush about zayne (who is tied with xavier as my top lis) and decided that required reading was his freebie bond story and first anecdote to really get zaynes relationship with mc.
in true game news... i need to really work on my protocore builds and work on doing some of the side battle things... abyssal chaos needs some unlocking as well as building better teams for hunter contest.. ive also been skipping the weekly claw machine and kitty cards stuff LOL. pretty much log in, do my dailies, do a little battling and then get off... im not ready to read decoherence (calebs newest myth) nor am i ready to work on lightseeker. still torn about using my freebie 5 star box to unlock lightseeker companion or unlock the start of zaynes forseer myth.
lots of leaks going around in the fandom, and the twitter fandom is a nightmare as usual. i made little progress on my fic ideas for it recently as well... now that i think about it... maybe i should go back and talk about writing in reflection....
— obsessing
i want love and deepspace merch... i have my eyes on a few pin sets on instagram and some sticker sets too. then im also considering these 15 cm dolls of the boys from twitter...
im also excited since my pc case is supposed(is this correct.. it is not looking correct to me) to arrive tomorrow!!! so i need to start doing some more part sourcing... but gyah. vacation is coming up so im tempted to kick pc building until late may (after i pay some bills down)
— recommending
i took a fancy shower today with a whole bunch of new products. i got new haircare- i do the prose subscription, so every 3 months i get new stock of scalp mask, shampoo, and conditioner. ive been on prose for like 2-3(?) years now and i swear by this stuff. i also got some fancy bodywash and lotion in a lovely strawberry scent by iota. i saw the ads for it on instagram and ive not had a fancy fun bodywash for a while. when i saw they did a restock of it i bit the bullet and bought it. all this stuff to say that i recommend treating yourself to fancy skin and hair care and taking a fancy shower!!!!!!!
— treating
dad made some delicious choco chip banana nut bread this week.
— encountering
instead of talking about writing in reflection... i guess we will do it here in encountering. im thinking that maybe after i get back from my vacation id like to do another round of the artist way. ive seen people do published recaps of their artists way journeys and that to me feels wrong... but i did start reading it because of a bookclub... so i was thinking it could be fun to maybe do a bookclub style check in for the artists way if anyone wanted to do it with me.
i find it very hard to get back into a writing habit honestly. i can sit down and do some writing if i force myself to sit down... but i dont really want to journal. nor do i follow through on it. i remember i recently saw some advice along the lines of "dont punish yourself for not following dreams you dont actually want to work on. let go of that shame and guilt" and well. i just keep fighting against it. really i keep fighting against a lot of advice i see.. i dont want to pick a niche, i dont want to work on one thing. i know in my heart that my main goal is to write more because well i just really love writing. but i also want to explore a variety of things- pottery, bass, art making, education, weightlifting- and then i wanna write about it! i think about my greenhouse project, i think about the various fanfiction projects... i havent figured out the block that keeps me from working on things. saw some other advice about being more critical of writing and practicing writing by being more mindful in reading: paying attention to how and why the authors drive their stories the way they do.
i find myself wanting to work publicly (which i suppose is a good thing- working with the garage door open and all- *reminder to self... required readings for understanding my brain post(???)). i want to do streams where i talk about what im working on, streams simply cleaning my room i stop myself because who the hell wants to watch that... but then i also think. well you know the greenhouse post is unfinished but maybe if i publish it ill want to go back and work on it. i want to write more. i want to do warm-ups and post prompts. i want to just explore. but i do feel like theres some kind of block or fear of getting started on it all. how do you balance the desire to make and share things with the intention of getting it looked at and getting feedback.... with the desire to just have fun and create things just because?
— restoring
been going to bed kinda early lately.
i also used lotion for the first time in forever! i dont usually like lotion texture so im pretty bad about skipping it.
mom and i have also been going to the tanning beds to get a little tan before vacation. i dont get so panicky laying in the bed anymore (i saw a final destination once where that girl got cooked alive or whatever) and i kinda find it warm and relaxing now. (im still unfortunately burning a bit while im in the beds though)
free write
encountering really got me inspired to talk about goals and stuff. i remember there was some tumblr post that went around talking about how you just have to let yourself feel whatever it is and the advice was like "do whatever the fuck you want." it was in regards to getting out a bad relationship or whatever and i guess i feel like it applies for me rn. i feel like i just grip everything knuckles white style because i dont wanna let go and feel whatever i gotta feel. ive been feeling a terribly jumbled up knot, and i still feel a little worried because wow! its april! what have i done so far this year! i dont feel like ive achieved anything personally satisfactory... i mean career wise and school wise ive done well for myself (hell! i just took the fucking lsat! first in my family to do that! first in my family to pursue law school! my cousin did beat me to a graduate degree though) but i havent made enough art. i dont make time for art. i dont make time for writing, i abandon ideas all the time, my desk and room are littered with half done projects. i feel like a broken record all the time. i want to do really interesting things.... but i dont. i want project greenhouse to just... give me the space to talk about these things. i think about breadcrumbing and giving people a chance to find and connect with my work or talk about work in whatever form.
im too self obsessed goodness. this all comes from thinking too much about myself. gyah. moral failing.
i posted on my private instagram story some of these desires and how to tie in everything. i sometimes feel like i really want and yearn for a partner to share silly selfies with, to have someone to just text and bother. but i feel like... i just wanna do stuff and then talk about it. i do want someone... but i wanna wait for the right someone.. gyah. mushy feelings stuff hehe.
back in regards to writing... i want to write prompts, and i want to do more warm up for writing. i want to write interesting pieces. i want to do interesting things. i dont want to be vague about it anymore. i want to really fill my life with a lot of fun stuff..
i have a private moodboard on pinterest (which ive been loving a lot lately) for my 2025 vision. i havent really taken the chance to explain the vision... but i feel like maybe i should. ha. it goes back to outlining what it is i want to do which i always get so hesitant about. i cant really sort everything out! it feels all jumbled up! im tired of everything being drafts. im tired of everything being in my head. how do you work it all out?
how do you apply the "just do what you fucking want" when you get a little too paralyzed by everything you want to do? how do you get out of your own head and out of your own way? what does any of this mean to me really? what do you mean its already nearly 10 oclock. i have problems to solve.......
id really like to stop being so scared honestly.
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