09.01.2025
Sep. 1st, 2025 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zoomieyowell well well. where did august go? where did I go?
august, for the last few years, have passed strangely for me. I feel present and not so present. I always want august to be something special, but I feel like it passes by quicker and quicker every year. I felt excited for the first two weeks, trying to decide how I wanted to spend my birthday, and then the last two weeks have just passed by in a blink. I feel like I've lived a lot: went dancing and rode a mechanical bull for my birthday, celebrated my dads birthday, went on a couple dates, started my fall semester classes, achieved my goal of bench pressing 135 lbs (45 lb plates on the 45 lb barbell; 2 clean, 1 failed), hung out with friends, found a cute tiny pottery wheel for at home throwing; and not lived at all: I barely wrote- whether digitally or analog, I posted one? reporter, let my room get messy (again), didnt make time for anything meaningful, didnt build my pc, didnt set or achieve any goals, stayed up too late, wasted a lot of time on my phone/ipad...
I try to justify it as rest, or not putting pressure on myself... but even now I feel frustrated that I've decided to put 2 page reporter on hold, that it's already 10 pm and I should be asleep... that it's september and what do I have to report? what do I have to show for the last 8 months of this year?
august always comes with the bittersweet taste. the end of summer (that I frequently hope to make more of) and the realization that over half the year is over, my birthday is past, and it's going to start getting cold again.
messy room, messy state of mind. I got one page reporter all cleaned up for a nice little post, but I think I might just post this under a cut instead. I dont want to do reporter proper, but writing at all is a current joy. maybe I do need to let up on the breaks, or at least outline what it is I truly want my day to day to look like. how can you judge what you are doing without limitations and constraints. how can you achieve the goal if you dont know what it is? I feel constantly bogged down by the fact that I'm unhappy with the layout and state of my room. everything is a mess. I have clothes and shoes everywhere, I can't sit at my desk, my vanity is a nightmare, unfinished projects lay scattered about. my bookshelf is an unorganized pile of books, but I don't even find myself reading. I dont know how I'm even spending my time on the day to day. I crawl in bed, body tired and achey, but even then, rest feels like an unearned item- why is my room always so messy.
everything is a byproduct of something I'm avoiding, of something I'm nervous about, of making significant and large changes in order to achieve what I want to achieve. I drag my feet on following some of my dreams- it's fear all the way down. there's so much fear steeped into the choices I'm making and not making. I can categorize it all and it all boils down to fear. it feels so silly. to believe in yourself, but to hesitate with fear.
I know I'm capable of doing it, I know what I need to do, but I'm scared of the discipline it takes. ha. what a pathetic thought. I'm scared and honestly lazy. if its not easy... I don't want to do it, but it needs to be done. I dont want to talk about it too much, but I know I should. I guess I can gesture around the way that fear shapes the decisions I'm making. oh even starting to type it out hurts- wont spend money on my pc, settle for okay-ish dates, wont take risks, wont do the research to get it all together. hell!!! this is so embarrassing!!! I'm more than capable of doing it all but goodness!!! I'm scared and lazy!!! I dont wanna eat clean or track my macros. I dont wanna do the research to find a good workout plan for better gains, I dont wanna commit to building a pc too much because then I have to reorient what I'm doing to make time for that! I don't wanna clean my room and face the fact I have too much stuff and well- I don't even wear a lot of it!
maybe I just needed to have a tantrum of bah its all so hard and I dont wanna do any of it- even though I do. I just trick myself into thinking its safer to over analyze and tear up every idea in my mind instead of doing anything. shame, fear, uncertainty. overthinking myself in circles, settling for the bare minimum instead of doing the best work I can. sigh. hardwork and laziness. stupid stupid stupid.
I don't usually like to be negative on the blog. I usually like to encourage and be positive and remind myself that there actually is a lot of good in my life- even despite the tantrum above, I know I'm capable of doing all that, even if I feel like a scared little girl sometimes. I started reporter to push myself to live- to push myself to enjoy life more. it's all possible to do, I just have to choose to prioritize it again. mom advises me frequently that I need to stop seeing all the forest and all the trees- that I overwhelm myself with everything I want to do. that was the purpose of the greenhouse: to help compartmentalize all I want to do, get it out of my head, and find ways to work on it.
people on insta and twitter talk about a great sept-dec lock in. choosing to focus and achieve goals and grind hard. I want to agree- a fresh monday start for september, the beginning of the end of the year. I'm aiming for 1500 words for this post. I have no conclusion in mind, but I want to write in my analog journal again- start off the writing chain for september. I want to write about goals and constraints. how I can focus on achieving the things I want to achieve. I should go to bed really... but I know I need to do this for myself or I'll be frustrated all week. I need to give myself those wins- to set the target ahead and race towards it.
after the gym yesterday and on our way home, I jokingly jumped out of the car and did a little two minute run up the road. it really felt great. so I did a more proper run today. a little under a mile, roughly 13 mins, with terrible heart rate. it felt great though. I saw a twitter post talking about running and weight lifting, so I decided to give it a try. all this to say, I set a target and raced towards it multiple times during my run. pushing myself to keep running towards the next mailbox, to just get up the hill, to just finish the one mile. I anticipate that running will change my life these next couple of months- which is unfortunate as it's only going to get cold, so I'll have to learn how to run on the treadmill -_-
I know what I want to do, what steps I need to take, and what direction I want to follow. it's all about habits, routines, and consistency. setting the pace and landing one foot after the other. the work is enjoyable really- if i stop being so afraid. if I just let myself have fun, and chase after that joy. its not easy... but nothing in life is. its about setting out on the journey, putting one foot in front of the other. I remember not being able to bench press at all- I couldn't lift the barbell off the rack without crying. I took it step by step and day by day- now I'm benching my bodyweight. I can do pullups. I can lift heavy weights and I look great. I just have to decide that all my ideas are important to me, and work on them slowly. just like I did in the gym: showing up every day, progressively overloading, and chasing the goals I had. I've done it once, and I can do it again. everything I want to do is within my reach. everything I want to do... I've started before. I can start again and I can do it again. its all worth it in the end.
its funny that I have a tantrum and a pep talk in the same speech. I probably need to get back into daily journaling to get my tantrums out so I can actually get to this place of peace. again, I always know what I need to do, I'm just resisting because Its worth it. goodness what am I so silly for. even now, pushing past 1500 words for 1550 words.
its time for the first step.
august, for the last few years, have passed strangely for me. I feel present and not so present. I always want august to be something special, but I feel like it passes by quicker and quicker every year. I felt excited for the first two weeks, trying to decide how I wanted to spend my birthday, and then the last two weeks have just passed by in a blink. I feel like I've lived a lot: went dancing and rode a mechanical bull for my birthday, celebrated my dads birthday, went on a couple dates, started my fall semester classes, achieved my goal of bench pressing 135 lbs (45 lb plates on the 45 lb barbell; 2 clean, 1 failed), hung out with friends, found a cute tiny pottery wheel for at home throwing; and not lived at all: I barely wrote- whether digitally or analog, I posted one? reporter, let my room get messy (again), didnt make time for anything meaningful, didnt build my pc, didnt set or achieve any goals, stayed up too late, wasted a lot of time on my phone/ipad...
I try to justify it as rest, or not putting pressure on myself... but even now I feel frustrated that I've decided to put 2 page reporter on hold, that it's already 10 pm and I should be asleep... that it's september and what do I have to report? what do I have to show for the last 8 months of this year?
august always comes with the bittersweet taste. the end of summer (that I frequently hope to make more of) and the realization that over half the year is over, my birthday is past, and it's going to start getting cold again.
messy room, messy state of mind. I got one page reporter all cleaned up for a nice little post, but I think I might just post this under a cut instead. I dont want to do reporter proper, but writing at all is a current joy. maybe I do need to let up on the breaks, or at least outline what it is I truly want my day to day to look like. how can you judge what you are doing without limitations and constraints. how can you achieve the goal if you dont know what it is? I feel constantly bogged down by the fact that I'm unhappy with the layout and state of my room. everything is a mess. I have clothes and shoes everywhere, I can't sit at my desk, my vanity is a nightmare, unfinished projects lay scattered about. my bookshelf is an unorganized pile of books, but I don't even find myself reading. I dont know how I'm even spending my time on the day to day. I crawl in bed, body tired and achey, but even then, rest feels like an unearned item- why is my room always so messy.
everything is a byproduct of something I'm avoiding, of something I'm nervous about, of making significant and large changes in order to achieve what I want to achieve. I drag my feet on following some of my dreams- it's fear all the way down. there's so much fear steeped into the choices I'm making and not making. I can categorize it all and it all boils down to fear. it feels so silly. to believe in yourself, but to hesitate with fear.
I know I'm capable of doing it, I know what I need to do, but I'm scared of the discipline it takes. ha. what a pathetic thought. I'm scared and honestly lazy. if its not easy... I don't want to do it, but it needs to be done. I dont want to talk about it too much, but I know I should. I guess I can gesture around the way that fear shapes the decisions I'm making. oh even starting to type it out hurts- wont spend money on my pc, settle for okay-ish dates, wont take risks, wont do the research to get it all together. hell!!! this is so embarrassing!!! I'm more than capable of doing it all but goodness!!! I'm scared and lazy!!! I dont wanna eat clean or track my macros. I dont wanna do the research to find a good workout plan for better gains, I dont wanna commit to building a pc too much because then I have to reorient what I'm doing to make time for that! I don't wanna clean my room and face the fact I have too much stuff and well- I don't even wear a lot of it!
maybe I just needed to have a tantrum of bah its all so hard and I dont wanna do any of it- even though I do. I just trick myself into thinking its safer to over analyze and tear up every idea in my mind instead of doing anything. shame, fear, uncertainty. overthinking myself in circles, settling for the bare minimum instead of doing the best work I can. sigh. hardwork and laziness. stupid stupid stupid.
I don't usually like to be negative on the blog. I usually like to encourage and be positive and remind myself that there actually is a lot of good in my life- even despite the tantrum above, I know I'm capable of doing all that, even if I feel like a scared little girl sometimes. I started reporter to push myself to live- to push myself to enjoy life more. it's all possible to do, I just have to choose to prioritize it again. mom advises me frequently that I need to stop seeing all the forest and all the trees- that I overwhelm myself with everything I want to do. that was the purpose of the greenhouse: to help compartmentalize all I want to do, get it out of my head, and find ways to work on it.
people on insta and twitter talk about a great sept-dec lock in. choosing to focus and achieve goals and grind hard. I want to agree- a fresh monday start for september, the beginning of the end of the year. I'm aiming for 1500 words for this post. I have no conclusion in mind, but I want to write in my analog journal again- start off the writing chain for september. I want to write about goals and constraints. how I can focus on achieving the things I want to achieve. I should go to bed really... but I know I need to do this for myself or I'll be frustrated all week. I need to give myself those wins- to set the target ahead and race towards it.
after the gym yesterday and on our way home, I jokingly jumped out of the car and did a little two minute run up the road. it really felt great. so I did a more proper run today. a little under a mile, roughly 13 mins, with terrible heart rate. it felt great though. I saw a twitter post talking about running and weight lifting, so I decided to give it a try. all this to say, I set a target and raced towards it multiple times during my run. pushing myself to keep running towards the next mailbox, to just get up the hill, to just finish the one mile. I anticipate that running will change my life these next couple of months- which is unfortunate as it's only going to get cold, so I'll have to learn how to run on the treadmill -_-
I know what I want to do, what steps I need to take, and what direction I want to follow. it's all about habits, routines, and consistency. setting the pace and landing one foot after the other. the work is enjoyable really- if i stop being so afraid. if I just let myself have fun, and chase after that joy. its not easy... but nothing in life is. its about setting out on the journey, putting one foot in front of the other. I remember not being able to bench press at all- I couldn't lift the barbell off the rack without crying. I took it step by step and day by day- now I'm benching my bodyweight. I can do pullups. I can lift heavy weights and I look great. I just have to decide that all my ideas are important to me, and work on them slowly. just like I did in the gym: showing up every day, progressively overloading, and chasing the goals I had. I've done it once, and I can do it again. everything I want to do is within my reach. everything I want to do... I've started before. I can start again and I can do it again. its all worth it in the end.
its funny that I have a tantrum and a pep talk in the same speech. I probably need to get back into daily journaling to get my tantrums out so I can actually get to this place of peace. again, I always know what I need to do, I'm just resisting because Its worth it. goodness what am I so silly for. even now, pushing past 1500 words for 1550 words.
its time for the first step.
no subject
Date: 2025-09-05 11:11 am (UTC)