weekly review 04/21-04/27

[zoomieyo]

a little different this week!

"[Our job as artists] is not something we do only if and when we feel motivated - we create because it is our responsibility to do so. In this respect our oocuptation is no different than that of most people. Does an ordinary adult go to work only if tey feel in the mood?... We are duty-bound to do our job, like everyone else, because the space we occupy depends upon our participation and breaks down if we don't. A committed artist cannot afford the luxury of revelation." - Nick, The Red Hand Files

this quote really sums up the last week, which I feel like was the inevitable conclusion of the last few weeks. I had been getting progressively more and more into my own thought spirals. While I'm still there, I'm at least more aware of it.... I suppose? 

I have no desire to fill out the typically weekly recap, so instead we get some more stream of conciousness rambley journaling that my dreamwidth has always been home too.

I found myself really struggling to get into a good writing groove, and I think that it stems from the idea of making something Good and Impressive... perfectionist tendencies creeping into my work again, and this typically stalls me out for months while I beat myself up over tiny little problems. 
In my morning journal I assigned myself the prompt of: "How do I explain the vision of what I want?" Combine this with the past idea of: "google: how to make a cool doc that is extremely personal to you without losing your mind."

and unfortunately as I'm sitting here writing this up the answer becomes apparent: maybe you don't have to. maybe you just gotta do the stuff you want to do without overthinking it, without worrying about it being cool, and instead.... just have fun. cliche. cheesy. I like it.

I struggle with making stuff because I want it to feel authentic, but I also want it to uh.... be cool too! I wanna be cool! I wanna make impressive stuff! but my idea of cool and the actual execution sometimes don't connect properly! really the only person suffering is me: overcomplicating the stuff I want to do to the point that I don't want to do it anymore. succintly? it's growing pains!

I haven't written anything for dreamwidth since last Sunday, I dragged my feet on getting my daily pages done, I haven't worked on any modules for my site since... the week before last? Or if I did, I think I dragged myself through just one measly lesson that I didn't even really retain.

as a side note, the rain just started to come down out of nowhere.... >edit: and no more than a minute and a half later does it stop....

I think it's a bit funny that I have an easier time talking through some problems when I type stuff out versus when I write in my journal.... I'm not sure why though? maybe I journal out all the sticky stuff first so then when I get to writing up stuff like this it flows a bit easier. ah. warm up versus intentional work... maybe also just complaining for three paragraphs will get me to where I need to go...

see now that I have all this pretext, I feel like I could maybe explain my goals and start working on a cool doc. ahahahaha... But I'm not going to yet. I still feel like there is more to say.. maybe I should do a proper week recap? explore some of the feelings and thoughts I had this week?

oh goodness.... I went and reread the spring mini post and goodness!!!! I went crazy on that long drawn out ramble of a post. everything still stand you know? I still want to do all those things I listed out and and I actually made progress on some of them! I started doing weekly reports, I'm back in the gym more consistently, I've been journaling every day and I started on my website. hahahahaha sometimes you need the benchmarks for where you have been versus where you are now... it's only been just shy of two months since I wrote that and now? I'm already doubting myself again? Maybe I just need to keep cobbling things together and then it'll all work out. oh how funny, it all is. how funny I am.....

well..... we might as well get started on some stuff. I think it's time to write out the goals doc.. I've got a version in the works right now and I feel like I'm actually warmed up enough to start on it. its funny how when you just give yourself some free space you'll find the words and actions to fill it. lesson is: stop being so strict with the design and just have some fun dude....

no report/recap this week! gonna get some to dos off my list first and bring it back next week! it's too forced this week.