baring my belly

[zoomieyo]

I have the terrible habit of getting myself stuck in a mental spiral to the point that I ruin my own moods due to overthinking. this is usually exacerbated the subsequent decline of doing fun stuff to the point that I’m an overthinking mess. the old adage(?) all work and no play makes jack a dull boy…. except: all thoughts and no action turns me into an overthinking mess. aha but this is all just excuse… let’s cut to the chase.

I joined a book club for julia camerons living the artist way. I enjoyed the original artist way, despite not finishing it, so I was excited for this as a chance to restart some of the practices mentioned there. it is the end of the first week of the book club, as well as my first week in the book’s practices. a big element of this particular teaching is about trusting in guidance- a kind of connection to the larger creative spirit that is established in the practice of the artist’s way. and tonight, guidance told me to just bare my belly and talk about everything that has been bothering me! so this I must do:

—creative practice
I’ve always dubbed myself a creative yet always struggled with the follow through of it. so the first thing that springs to my self critical mind is, of course, are you even really a creative then? fanciful ideas of things you would like to do don’t make you much of a creative. so instead of continuing to beat myself up with harsh thoughts, I’d thought to share some of the recent ideas that I want to work on in upcoming months…
first and foremost, finishing the site! I want to get it to a place where I can eventually share all the stuff to follow.
I want to continue to write: get back into my original works, as well as start to write fan fiction again.. I’ve been thinking a lot about advernia’s works. I’ve always had a deep appreciation for her storytelling ability. combining this with my current read of sha po lang by priest. agh. my mind yearns to write as well as either of them! I’m also toying with the idea of a newsletter, but I’ve yet to settle on a solid… theme? I like dreamwidth blogging for now, but I also want a more concentrated dose of… reality??? living???? life??? writing…
I’ve also been thinking of starting to learn how to make art… I especially want to learn blender so I can turn my vtuber sona into a cute low poly model and play with her like a doll…. I also really want to start making making….. uhhhh illustrations????? I guess is the closest idea? I just want to draw! I want to make cool art!!! do something that isn’t writing… be able to draw my ocs.. tangentially related to this is making some kind of merch I guess… this is vaguer and more long term than the others but I want to make sticker sheets, postcards, charms… ideally even pins someday down the line.. this one particularly contributes to the longer term goal of having an online site and ~presence~ in the sense of making stuff and selling it…. which is necessitated by being able to make art in the first place… I’m just tired of seeing cool stuff and not being able to do it myself despite wanting to! I want to create all sorts of interesting things, try out all my ideas, learn a lot of different skills, have fun learning and trying new things.
then there’s also taking a pottery class and learning to wheel throw… wanting to sew plushies and clothes, wanting to try my hand at streaming and vtubing again… gah plus there’s also deco and poly clay and resin and whatever other cool crafty stuff I see.. I want to get back into art journaling.. playing around with the idea of digital or analog scrapbooking.. creating some kind of life management???? system…
kind of related but I feel like comes in as a separate category is playing bass again… I have this beautiful bass just sitting in a case in the corner of my room…. I’ve been listening to ensemble stars!! music again since it’s finally free from region lock.. I wanted to play bass for two reasons: mina from girlfriend playing inabakumori and then… embarrassingly… honeycomb summer from crazy:b….. yes yes the cringiness is not lost on me but I do not care! I’m showing my belly here…..

—professional goals
ew gross…. time to talk about work…. I’ve been resisting the idea of going back to school for a graduate degree but I think it’s time I accept my fate and get started on studying for those tests…. a nearby university has a dual program where I can earn an mba and a JD… I also found an online certificate program to get into paralegal work that guidance said now is the time for! so we aim to pursue those things in the long term….
I’m waiting for JET applications to open in the fall and want to apply for that… which uhm. necessitates more serious studying of japanese. considering paying for a program to help keep me on top of it, but I might also see if the flyer I saw for lessons in town is still good. I want to be more serious about my studying of japanese… I just want to be able to enjoy mahoyaku without always having to rely on translations…
finances are good… had a big outlay paying for car repairs so I’m trying to rebuild my savings currently… looking into maybe changing where I keep all my savings..

—in fitness and in health
I love working out! I love taking supplements! <3 but these things are useless without proper diet and sleep… these are my biggest weakness right now. I’ve never really had a huge appetite and I kinda forgo eating if I’m not absolutely starving but I workout too much to not be fueling the way I do.. really need to evaluate my eating habits and start making myself better meal options that support my fitness goals and also just my general health.
sleep maintenance also needs to be a bigger priority for me.. I get up early already but I also enjoy staying up late to making up “lost time” during the day… I need time management and routine structuring so I can do all the stuff I want to do.. it possible to fit it all in, I just have to be a little more strict with my time and how I’m spending it.
fitness wise… I’ve been considering adding more mobility and calisthenic work into my routine… also maybe some yoga? I want to work on the stiffness and flexibility as well as strengthening some supporting joints and muscles. also want to get back to the rock climbing gym at some point..
in recent fitness news: I successfully flat bench pressed 100 pounds! I can also maneuver 95 lbs for a couple reps on squat, bench, deadlift… my main goal right now is to be able to manage 135 pounds for sbd. other goals include a proper bodyweight pull up, and eventually managing a 45 lbs dumbell for shoulder, bi, tri days… the last one is a long ways off but that’s okay. the other two are progressing along quite nicely for me. I can manage some chin ups, but I’ve honestly been slacking on the work for those. I don’t have any strict timeline for these goals, which is probably hurting me. I’m not so hung up on them that I need to achieve them, but those serve as the general direction I’m taking my fitness in.
I guess hygiene routines fit here in health as well? I really need to be better about sticking to my skincare in the morning and evening gah… I just get lazy even though I do a pretty lazy routine already with face wash, serum, toner and moisturizer.. sometimes I just can’t be bothered. my skin is pretty even most of the time with the occasional spot around my menses… sure I have some general oil but it doesn’t frustrate me the same way it used to. can’t say I don’t appreciate the softness and glow of my skin when I properly take care of it though.. also due for a hair trim because my bangs and layers have grown out too much and they keep bothering me. I like the length my hair is at… but I’m also considering cutting it kinda short again…
still need to order new protein powder and creatine… still haven’t done the research on it….

in terms of mental health… outlook generally positive but man. overthinking my greatest enemy.. I can successfully combat pms by adding an iron supplement about a week before I’m expected to start so that has helped a ton with the doom and gloom I get. I’m mostly just frustrated with a lack of action in regard to life. all my stress and struggle in my personal life comes from not making any progress towards my goals… which I’d still like to write a pretty draft of and maybe make some kind of tracker for it?
no work stress except for daily customer rudeness… I’m coasting along in terms of what I do, so sometimes the desire to look for a new job rears up and I get a little downcast. But This Job Is Better Than Retail Hours. so I try not to get too down: the work itself is easy for the most part, I’m just bored and not challenged enough.. but to switch means bigger action than I’ve made effort for so. here we are. I’ve gotten better at not bringing home the rudeness, but I still struggle with taking responsibility for Stuff That Isn’t My Fault. really ultimately needing to develop tougher skin but I’m learning to let it go!

—relationships
been feeling lonely because when I overthink I isolate myself… I really need to make some new friends and stop spending all my time at home.. but then there is also the Fear of Wasting Time On People Who Don’t Deserve It. :))))))))) so we are again at an impasse where I haven’t done anything to change my situation except think about it really really hard (please change. please change. please change)
no new romantic prospects because of above ^ but also because I do not want to subject myself to the dating apps, or dating pool until I have proven I’m worth it. (hello?! this is not normal!!!!) I’m sure there is some more here to explore on and work on changing my self esteem that is related to mental health but gyah.

—spirituality, magic, etc
topic change to loop back to mental health and tie in… working on insecurities??? but I feel like this is best done through getting over the roadblock that is my lack of action… which ties into creative practice and the artists way! uhm also something something about shadow work I think… I Think my problems will be resolved if I put in the work on the stuff I want to do, because it’ll rebuild my relationship with work and myself and thus reinspire confidence in myself.. also probably need a vocabulary adjustment in the use of “I want” and “I need to.” also want to maybe explore…. somatic practices???? read a recent newsletter that talked about the teasing of this idea in an interview they had watched which tickled my brain just right… anyway there’s stuff here I’m too tired to try and explain…
in living the artists way fashion, trying to be open to guidance as well as serendipity that arises when you start to believe in yourself!
havent been using tarot much because I feel pretty secure in what I’m doing and where I want to do and what I want to do… as well as what I need to do… but it would be nice to pick up the deck again soon I guess.. I’m a bit more curious about astrology at present… I like tarot for guidance but it would be nice to be a bit more attuned to what’s going on cosmically and how that could have an impact on me.
also want to make a little magic shrine in the corner of my room….

—on the subject of weekly reports
I want to get back into dreamwidth writing soon! I’d like to maybe catch up on some of the draft ideas for midweeks I had… especially the goals post. I also wanna add a sunday summaries with like a media recap/mediamaxing type of thing maybeeeeee… i love alliteration in posts/themes (yes zee we know!! its sooo cute of you) I wanna make more time for media enjoyment… so if I make it a themed post for my cute little blog…. like…
so in terms of games rn: mahoyaku is like the biggest thing I want to get back into.. also enstars… also maybeeee honkai star rail and genshin again?? but I also wanna finish sea of stars and persona5 royal and atelier ryza…. been also wanting to start a new stardew farm for the update as well as another fallout new vegas playthrough so I can do all the dlc again….
for movies and shows…gotta catch up on dunmeshi, and I want to go to all the ghibli fest movies… I missed spirited away already so I just gotta catch all the others,, been wanting to watch link click for some time now.. and maybe watch alien stage too? does that count as movies… is it more music……
reading list is a million books long but I’m working on sha po lang right now and keeping an eye out on rosmei for the preorder of liu yao…. been also considering giving can ci pin another try. i only dropped it because I got busy.. also been meaning to give erha a try too… will probably also include the artist way reread and the alchemist reread for now too…. orv reread is also likely due, I need to read some of the other side stories that have come out. oh. do mahoyaku translations count for reading….?
music wise uhm… i have no thoughts really… just need to finally commit to getting last.fm premium or w/e to track listening stats LOL

—misc
also my current wishlist like so long… I need to just spring for a bunch of stuff so I’ll stop thinking about it and letting it take up mental real estate…
to do list is also too long for my liking… why am I cursed to always be cleaning my room and doing the laundry…. truly the most detested of the chores.. also need to really really deep clean my room so it’ll stop being so messy all time!!!
something something merch collecting, oshi shrines, ita bags… I miss getting mail!!! I wanna get back into the merch game… grumble grumble physical and analog media
how to use a daily planner when I have nothing to track…. woes of loving hobonichi techo weeks + stationary but having nothing to put in them… simple answer….. live more you silly goose……

hrm. I’m sure there are other topics to consider but these are the bigger things on my mind.. just about everything boils back down to action and commitment which also needs its own in depth discussion on… but it’s so so late so I’m ready to go to bed