1st quarter commentary
Mar. 31st, 2024 09:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zoomieyothere is so much nonsense in this recap that I'm almost embarrassed to post this but this what a blog is for! delusional recap ramblings with no destination in mind.
and with no destination in mind, I press on without a map....
just like that, the first quarter of the year is over! As much as I wanted to do monthly recaps, I always felt like by the time the end of the month had rolled around I hadn't really done much. which I guess kind of speaks to the way that I've been living my life. I started a new job in january and in 2023, I let my job pretty much run my life ahaha... I think that I've become pretty boring honestly, so in an effort to change it, I decided to start doing eow reports...
hm. feeling a little lost and a lot of dread in regards to this write up! I didn't do a lot of "new year planning" so I haven't really been working towards a concise direction for quite a long while now actually.. which causes its own life frustrations of course. I feel like that kind of best describes this first quarter: drifting. I flitted between topics, moods, projects, every variety of pastime until the end of the month would roll around and I'd start to say "I need to commit to something!" but yet? I haven't either. I think that what would be best is to start a lovely little benchmark here and now at the end of march and then take the time to just brain dump everything. I looked through some old new year planning stuff and I have some good pieces to start working with, but I haven't actually taken the time to sort and prioritize and make a direction and goal for myself. I used to feel too constricted but now I think that I'm craving some of that structure and specific documentation to actually make myself better! even now, if you look through the last couple eow recaps, you'll see that I kinda set vague mood goals but I consistently feel neutral/negative emotions... so something has to change! I guess I should do a big ole braindump and get everything out and sort through it and then make it all nice and pretty to get myself started.
a bit later....
goodness I got sidetracked and bogged down trying to sort my brain out. I look at my big goals list and I don't really want to make another list but I feel like my brain is still stuffed full of cotton.
as I'm starting to overthink and spiral, I see a bunny outside the window and I cant really help but wonder if I'm overthinking everything. I wanna do a lot of different stuff and if I just take the time to get it all out of my head, maybe I can actually get it done. so I gotta benchmark what it is I want to do and where I want to go to get anything done really. maybe one last ultimate list of everything- the masterdoc of moving forward. theme of the year, core values and intentions, goals, projects and dreams.... just get everything out of my head and onto paper, sorted nicely, into something i can actually work with and look at and take inspiration from.
so. what does that look like?
rooting around in the weeds in the mud of my own way
I feel a bit lost. its the end of the first quarter of the year and I'm trying to make this recap post and finally dedicate myself to goals and progress but I feel like I'm getting lost in the weeds of my own ideas and overthinking. I want to do so many different things and I have lists and lists and lists of everything i want to achieve and I feel so inspired working on these different things but I'm wondering if I'm just sitting in the mud, rooting around in the weeds too much.
I didn't have any goals to measure progress against, so I'm trying to make goals and give my life direction but there's entirely too much on my plate. how can I set down the variety of interests to make progress on something for once? what is it that I actually want to do and devote time to? I described myself as flitting about between things and I feel like this is still true. how can I have it all? how can I achieve everything that I want to achieve? how can I juggle and balance and still come out on top. I'm reminded of the two of coins card. that I cant keep juggling it. hell... I'm reminded of a recent tarot reading where it felt like it told me everything I already knew in that.... you can enjoy what you have going on, and you need to relax and let things unfold while setting some things down. take for instance... this week and last. I was supposed to finish the splash landing page to at least get something started for my neocities but instead I flitted to a different idea completely-plushies. I spend my time doing part of any particular interest and never see it all the way to completion because I simply get stuck first. I'm wanting to pave my own way, but I'm just stuck in the mud of uncertainty and fear.
as much as I want a big list of all the dreams and wants and projects I have.. its overwhelming. how do you manage all that? I guess maybe the first thing I do is take a look around at everything and see what it is I'm stuck in and where. you know, see the forest for more than the trees. as much as it pains me to pick just one direction to travel in for a while, I know I have too. just because I'm choosing to set things down right now doesn't mean I have to leave them behind completely. its ok to just, get one thing done and move onto the next.
there's a big sticky thorn in my side that over the last year and a half I've become really really boring. i feel like I've lost the exuberance for life that I once had. I feel like I need to chock my life full again and that means taking on projects and working on new goals and doing doing doing. its stemming from the realization of a lack of commitment in my life (huh. further shown by my desire to do a bunch of stuff instead of just focusing on one thing....) and a huge uncertainty of committing to the wrong thing.
what would it take to complete any one of the projects I have cooking away? what project actually calls to my heart in a meaningful way that I'm maybe ignoring? what has the least resistance to at least grease the wheels of momentum and get the ball rolling? could I pick a couple life areas to focus on, and a project to focus on for the next week? the next month? the next 3 months? how far down do I need to simplify to actually make real progress on something. how can I find a way to do it all?
brambles, cattails, and a switchback trail into wide open water
brambles and thorns associated with error, cattails associated with peace and prosperity and then wide open water to explain the freedom of choice. I guess I started trying to make this a more themed essay kind of recap after the title of the last section but I feel like switchback trails might be a better segue/segment..... uhhh idk. I combined my first attempt at doing a quarter recap and then got distracted trying to make a cool goal layout. then I got overwhelmed by that and vent wrote to the conclusion I need to pick one thing to work on. but that got me frustrated to the point of this new section where I wanna go back to just trying to juggle everything even though its not working at all. I suppose that.... new section title LOL..... the error of too many choices, coming to peace with it by changing my mind again and hopefully creating smooth sailing into something new.....
I want my focus to be writing again. camp nano is coming up, so i want to get back into the habit of writing and i want to do 500-1000 words a day. or maybe just morning pages. my goal for april is to complete a super basic but publishable version of my website... simple layouts with just text and some photos for now! lets get a barebones site off the ground and we can work on making it cute later :]
I think I just want to figure it out as I go. I want to do so much and I want to try so many things but I've got myself caught up in the mud of overthinking to where I'm just stuck arguing with myself internally to the point that I don't do anything but continue to spiral down down down. the quicksand of overthinking!!!!!
maybe ill figure out some way to juggle everything at some point and be able to do it all but for now its just too damn overwhelming in my head to make heads or tails of. pulling up grass with no luck. (luck for what. what does this even mean.)
gah! switchback trails taking me back to the endless stream of I want I want I want and making me doubt my focus on those projects. what's the point of doing camp if you aren't gonna work on ocs? what about making plushies... the sewing was so fun.? what if.. what about.. why don't.. goodness. something must be wrong with me. oh wait. its the lack of commitment I was talking about earlier I think. pray that I will get my head out of the mud soon.... I need to stop thinking about all this stuff.... I need to have some fun.
holding the map upside down
took some time to format this for dw and now I'm feeling a little more levelheaded. decided I needed a better writing program than just apple notes... but I love the convenience of it for switching between my laptop and phone and ipad as needed.
turned this whole "recap" into more of a commentary thing with adventure symbolism... all based on this old essay I was gonna write about "going your own way only to get stuck in the mud." which is essentially this I suppose. the original was going to talk about community with an aside about jeeping/off-roading and how you need people to pull you out of the mud. segueing into my desire for isolation. uhm but I don't really feel that way as much now. anyway. holding the map upside down comes from the first section originally being called "and with no destination in mind, I end up holding the map upside down..." but I feel like the new title is much better.
this section was actually inspired by clarifying my goals and direction where up until now I floated without a plan. so I'll eventually get to work on that. ahaha...... maybe I make that a goal for this week. it all kinda clicked into place when I settled in on working on the website as the big project- I realized that I want the neocities site to be my digital studio which I talked about a long time ago in abandoned newsletters. but also how this is less a recap with stuff that I did (because I feel like I really did nothing!) or talking about what media I enjoyed/consumed (also because I'm super bad about tracking media since I'm either deep diving or not doing anything... which I'd like to change LOL). gah. I guess I just need to bite the bullet and outline everything and stop thinking but goodness I'd rather talk to someone about it I guess.. I feel like I'm making myself crazy so I really need to stop for tonight...... GAHHHHH so much to say and to do and achieve.... I'm not feeling so down now. just tired from thinking so hard... I want to do something fun for real now.....
stats:
word count: 2,102 words
reading time: 7 minutes, 36 seconds
and with no destination in mind, I press on without a map....
just like that, the first quarter of the year is over! As much as I wanted to do monthly recaps, I always felt like by the time the end of the month had rolled around I hadn't really done much. which I guess kind of speaks to the way that I've been living my life. I started a new job in january and in 2023, I let my job pretty much run my life ahaha... I think that I've become pretty boring honestly, so in an effort to change it, I decided to start doing eow reports...
hm. feeling a little lost and a lot of dread in regards to this write up! I didn't do a lot of "new year planning" so I haven't really been working towards a concise direction for quite a long while now actually.. which causes its own life frustrations of course. I feel like that kind of best describes this first quarter: drifting. I flitted between topics, moods, projects, every variety of pastime until the end of the month would roll around and I'd start to say "I need to commit to something!" but yet? I haven't either. I think that what would be best is to start a lovely little benchmark here and now at the end of march and then take the time to just brain dump everything. I looked through some old new year planning stuff and I have some good pieces to start working with, but I haven't actually taken the time to sort and prioritize and make a direction and goal for myself. I used to feel too constricted but now I think that I'm craving some of that structure and specific documentation to actually make myself better! even now, if you look through the last couple eow recaps, you'll see that I kinda set vague mood goals but I consistently feel neutral/negative emotions... so something has to change! I guess I should do a big ole braindump and get everything out and sort through it and then make it all nice and pretty to get myself started.
a bit later....
goodness I got sidetracked and bogged down trying to sort my brain out. I look at my big goals list and I don't really want to make another list but I feel like my brain is still stuffed full of cotton.
as I'm starting to overthink and spiral, I see a bunny outside the window and I cant really help but wonder if I'm overthinking everything. I wanna do a lot of different stuff and if I just take the time to get it all out of my head, maybe I can actually get it done. so I gotta benchmark what it is I want to do and where I want to go to get anything done really. maybe one last ultimate list of everything- the masterdoc of moving forward. theme of the year, core values and intentions, goals, projects and dreams.... just get everything out of my head and onto paper, sorted nicely, into something i can actually work with and look at and take inspiration from.
so. what does that look like?
rooting around in the weeds in the mud of my own way
I feel a bit lost. its the end of the first quarter of the year and I'm trying to make this recap post and finally dedicate myself to goals and progress but I feel like I'm getting lost in the weeds of my own ideas and overthinking. I want to do so many different things and I have lists and lists and lists of everything i want to achieve and I feel so inspired working on these different things but I'm wondering if I'm just sitting in the mud, rooting around in the weeds too much.
I didn't have any goals to measure progress against, so I'm trying to make goals and give my life direction but there's entirely too much on my plate. how can I set down the variety of interests to make progress on something for once? what is it that I actually want to do and devote time to? I described myself as flitting about between things and I feel like this is still true. how can I have it all? how can I achieve everything that I want to achieve? how can I juggle and balance and still come out on top. I'm reminded of the two of coins card. that I cant keep juggling it. hell... I'm reminded of a recent tarot reading where it felt like it told me everything I already knew in that.... you can enjoy what you have going on, and you need to relax and let things unfold while setting some things down. take for instance... this week and last. I was supposed to finish the splash landing page to at least get something started for my neocities but instead I flitted to a different idea completely-plushies. I spend my time doing part of any particular interest and never see it all the way to completion because I simply get stuck first. I'm wanting to pave my own way, but I'm just stuck in the mud of uncertainty and fear.
as much as I want a big list of all the dreams and wants and projects I have.. its overwhelming. how do you manage all that? I guess maybe the first thing I do is take a look around at everything and see what it is I'm stuck in and where. you know, see the forest for more than the trees. as much as it pains me to pick just one direction to travel in for a while, I know I have too. just because I'm choosing to set things down right now doesn't mean I have to leave them behind completely. its ok to just, get one thing done and move onto the next.
there's a big sticky thorn in my side that over the last year and a half I've become really really boring. i feel like I've lost the exuberance for life that I once had. I feel like I need to chock my life full again and that means taking on projects and working on new goals and doing doing doing. its stemming from the realization of a lack of commitment in my life (huh. further shown by my desire to do a bunch of stuff instead of just focusing on one thing....) and a huge uncertainty of committing to the wrong thing.
what would it take to complete any one of the projects I have cooking away? what project actually calls to my heart in a meaningful way that I'm maybe ignoring? what has the least resistance to at least grease the wheels of momentum and get the ball rolling? could I pick a couple life areas to focus on, and a project to focus on for the next week? the next month? the next 3 months? how far down do I need to simplify to actually make real progress on something. how can I find a way to do it all?
brambles, cattails, and a switchback trail into wide open water
brambles and thorns associated with error, cattails associated with peace and prosperity and then wide open water to explain the freedom of choice. I guess I started trying to make this a more themed essay kind of recap after the title of the last section but I feel like switchback trails might be a better segue/segment..... uhhh idk. I combined my first attempt at doing a quarter recap and then got distracted trying to make a cool goal layout. then I got overwhelmed by that and vent wrote to the conclusion I need to pick one thing to work on. but that got me frustrated to the point of this new section where I wanna go back to just trying to juggle everything even though its not working at all. I suppose that.... new section title LOL..... the error of too many choices, coming to peace with it by changing my mind again and hopefully creating smooth sailing into something new.....
I want my focus to be writing again. camp nano is coming up, so i want to get back into the habit of writing and i want to do 500-1000 words a day. or maybe just morning pages. my goal for april is to complete a super basic but publishable version of my website... simple layouts with just text and some photos for now! lets get a barebones site off the ground and we can work on making it cute later :]
I think I just want to figure it out as I go. I want to do so much and I want to try so many things but I've got myself caught up in the mud of overthinking to where I'm just stuck arguing with myself internally to the point that I don't do anything but continue to spiral down down down. the quicksand of overthinking!!!!!
maybe ill figure out some way to juggle everything at some point and be able to do it all but for now its just too damn overwhelming in my head to make heads or tails of. pulling up grass with no luck. (luck for what. what does this even mean.)
gah! switchback trails taking me back to the endless stream of I want I want I want and making me doubt my focus on those projects. what's the point of doing camp if you aren't gonna work on ocs? what about making plushies... the sewing was so fun.? what if.. what about.. why don't.. goodness. something must be wrong with me. oh wait. its the lack of commitment I was talking about earlier I think. pray that I will get my head out of the mud soon.... I need to stop thinking about all this stuff.... I need to have some fun.
holding the map upside down
took some time to format this for dw and now I'm feeling a little more levelheaded. decided I needed a better writing program than just apple notes... but I love the convenience of it for switching between my laptop and phone and ipad as needed.
turned this whole "recap" into more of a commentary thing with adventure symbolism... all based on this old essay I was gonna write about "going your own way only to get stuck in the mud." which is essentially this I suppose. the original was going to talk about community with an aside about jeeping/off-roading and how you need people to pull you out of the mud. segueing into my desire for isolation. uhm but I don't really feel that way as much now. anyway. holding the map upside down comes from the first section originally being called "and with no destination in mind, I end up holding the map upside down..." but I feel like the new title is much better.
this section was actually inspired by clarifying my goals and direction where up until now I floated without a plan. so I'll eventually get to work on that. ahaha...... maybe I make that a goal for this week. it all kinda clicked into place when I settled in on working on the website as the big project- I realized that I want the neocities site to be my digital studio which I talked about a long time ago in abandoned newsletters. but also how this is less a recap with stuff that I did (because I feel like I really did nothing!) or talking about what media I enjoyed/consumed (also because I'm super bad about tracking media since I'm either deep diving or not doing anything... which I'd like to change LOL). gah. I guess I just need to bite the bullet and outline everything and stop thinking but goodness I'd rather talk to someone about it I guess.. I feel like I'm making myself crazy so I really need to stop for tonight...... GAHHHHH so much to say and to do and achieve.... I'm not feeling so down now. just tired from thinking so hard... I want to do something fun for real now.....
stats:
word count: 2,102 words
reading time: 7 minutes, 36 seconds
