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zoomieyohello everyone ^_^ actually getting stuck feeling a lot of doubt and nervousness about posting. so lets unpack it!!
when i started mini 1000, i didnt have a set direction. i knew that i wanted to explore a couple of different topics in the form of journal posting but there was no set plan as to how. as we work on day 5, im starting to wonder if i was too free with my feelings, if the past entries sound too wish focused, or if what im writing actually really matters. these doubts are an accurate representation of the way my feelings progress in many other areas. i seem to have this recurring issue of - am i enough?
this is an ongoing, deep seated feeling that takes more than just 7 days of journal posting to work though. i dont even really think the point of this challenge was to work through any particular kind of issue, but as ive been writing, its helped put some things into perspective for me.
ive always viewed goals and accomplishments as the defining items that prove my worth. in what ways can my life, work, and interests be assigned a value that shows progress? how can i work against feelings of inadequacy to have proof that i am enough? these are heavy feelings for sure. i think that slowly over the course of this year, ive been learning to detach from this idea of proving my own value and instead learning i have inherent value.
in my initial notes draft, i had envisioned this post to be a summary of an idea i had come up with earlier this year:
so the idea goes that you take current you and the future you to figure out the path forward. not really a new concept by productivity/lifestyle content standards, but i think that it really shows my weakness(?) is how i view myself in relation to my goals. everything should be measured, and i should be making some kind of progress.
while making progress is good by all means, i used to use it to run myself ragged. i was constantly in pursuit of the next achievement to prove my worth. i do think that right now, im at a point where im a bit in the middle of everything. without realizing it, i have become the midpoint for a past self and a future self.
what does it mean to be at the midpoint though? what does it mean to be in the middle of it all? i had attempted to describe this feeling before, in a piece i titled: describing the sticky hot heat of the middle of summer
i never finished this piece; i focused too much on the heat element, not creating enough of a segue into the main point. what i wanted was to explore that forward motion despite the heat, despite everything working against you. its very much a description of the dog days of summer. i think that its interesting that my return to this topic coincides with the last day this year. i think that as we continue to move away from the hottest days of this year, i’ll be able to move past this heat, and find the value ive been looking for. the best way to describe this i think is by sharing this idea of being a passenger:
its hard to tell when you are in the middle and its hard to be in the middle. its one of those things you just have to accept that youre moving through. summer this year has been a long stretch for me. i didnt have a lot going on except my jobs and summer classes. i havent had any fun summer memories this year. the heat in combination with this passenger feeling have kind of blurred this summer into a long stretch of lifelessness. as we approach august and the fall theres actually a lot happening! my birthday is on sunday, and i have a vacation planned for the end of september. one of my last semesters of undergrad starts not next week but the week after. as i stop and really look, these next few weeks will rush by, in complete opposite to my seemingly forever long summer. i look forward to moving past this middle.
i also wanted to use midpoint theory to do a quick recap of the work ive done so far on mini 1000. my rough drafting of the prompts this week has this entry at day 4, the true midpoint of the week, but its kinda fitting that its on day 5 i think. im really excited about this project. i find myself itching to write everyday and after i finish the entry, i look forward to writing something else. i really want to do some more long term planning as far as journal posting and goal setting, but for now i want to enjoy my time with mini 1000. theres lots of things i want to implement for myself but i wouldnt of known about them if i didnt attempt mini 1000. it would of been easy to give up on day two when i didnt write at all, but i think that its good i just took my time with it. this entry is a bit different from the others as i wrote it early in the morning while i couldnt sleep. i think the tone is a bit different too, but i think its fitting for the topic. it feels good to have achieved something so early in the morning, as well as making the rushing of my thoughts quiet down. ill probably write again this evening, but im looking forward to what the next couple of days brings me.
as an update to the initial draft the same evening, im finding that theres a lot of things id like to do differently going forward. my mind is racing with ideas to make this posts better. i find that when i reread them, i could add more and explain things more deeply. but i wouldnt of known if i hadnt tried mini 1000. as we move from this middle, i can make these changes for the future. when i had written it this morning and said everything i needed to, i found that i was 300 or so words short. so i stopped and now this evening, im finding the gaps i still wanted to fill. my doubts and nervousness have mostly evaporated after this entry. im really looking forward to whats next.<\cut>
word count: 1,538
reading time: 5 minutes
when i started mini 1000, i didnt have a set direction. i knew that i wanted to explore a couple of different topics in the form of journal posting but there was no set plan as to how. as we work on day 5, im starting to wonder if i was too free with my feelings, if the past entries sound too wish focused, or if what im writing actually really matters. these doubts are an accurate representation of the way my feelings progress in many other areas. i seem to have this recurring issue of - am i enough?
this is an ongoing, deep seated feeling that takes more than just 7 days of journal posting to work though. i dont even really think the point of this challenge was to work through any particular kind of issue, but as ive been writing, its helped put some things into perspective for me.
ive always viewed goals and accomplishments as the defining items that prove my worth. in what ways can my life, work, and interests be assigned a value that shows progress? how can i work against feelings of inadequacy to have proof that i am enough? these are heavy feelings for sure. i think that slowly over the course of this year, ive been learning to detach from this idea of proving my own value and instead learning i have inherent value.
in my initial notes draft, i had envisioned this post to be a summary of an idea i had come up with earlier this year:
midpoint theory - an exploration of where i am currently - midpoint theory application of current self to future self for goal settingthe concept and theory of midpoint had bubbled up in my mind during one of my check ins and i had described it like this:
wanted to do a Thing ™ talking about midpoint formula and how i need to find the end goal (future me) and the first point (current me) and do “math” to find where i need to realistically work to as a midpoint goal setting. zoe: using math from geometry she hasnt thought about since grade school
so the idea goes that you take current you and the future you to figure out the path forward. not really a new concept by productivity/lifestyle content standards, but i think that it really shows my weakness(?) is how i view myself in relation to my goals. everything should be measured, and i should be making some kind of progress.
while making progress is good by all means, i used to use it to run myself ragged. i was constantly in pursuit of the next achievement to prove my worth. i do think that right now, im at a point where im a bit in the middle of everything. without realizing it, i have become the midpoint for a past self and a future self.
what does it mean to be at the midpoint though? what does it mean to be in the middle of it all? i had attempted to describe this feeling before, in a piece i titled: describing the sticky hot heat of the middle of summer
its been so hot here lately- too hot to swim, too hot to tan, too hot to enjoy summer and too hot to think. every moment is spent looking for the next thing to cool you off like heading into the work building with the quiet thrum of air conditioning, the iced tea you get with a fast food meal. its just been too damn hot. its still hot late at night when the sun goes down, and its hot again in the morning when you get up to go to work.
despite my complaints that it’s entirely too hot, i keep finding myself in the sticky hot heat that leaves your cheeks flushed and your skin damp with sweat. in the middle of this searing heat, i still find myself lost in my thoughts- the anticipation of whats next, the movements that need to happen.
i’ve always associated summer with doing something of value.
i never finished this piece; i focused too much on the heat element, not creating enough of a segue into the main point. what i wanted was to explore that forward motion despite the heat, despite everything working against you. its very much a description of the dog days of summer. i think that its interesting that my return to this topic coincides with the last day this year. i think that as we continue to move away from the hottest days of this year, i’ll be able to move past this heat, and find the value ive been looking for. the best way to describe this i think is by sharing this idea of being a passenger:
i had the thought that i felt like i was just kind of viewing the days going by. im currently feeling like a passenger in a car- looking out the window, enjoying the peace of watching scenery go by. im a bit on autopilot, i suppose? i know that im moving toward the next grand adventure- the one where i really truly start to reclaim my strength and power- but for now, im at a point where im just enjoying the ride. i know eventually, bc of who i am, i will start to drive and move forward. im getting closer to the day that yet another thing will click into place and ill feel… like an old version of myself again. itll be better this time, as ive grown so much since i felt that way. but its coming soon i think. but for the time being? im comfortable just kind of watching life go by… enjoying the ride. in my mind, its the universe driving and letting me just see and enjoy the drive we are on together.
its hard to tell when you are in the middle and its hard to be in the middle. its one of those things you just have to accept that youre moving through. summer this year has been a long stretch for me. i didnt have a lot going on except my jobs and summer classes. i havent had any fun summer memories this year. the heat in combination with this passenger feeling have kind of blurred this summer into a long stretch of lifelessness. as we approach august and the fall theres actually a lot happening! my birthday is on sunday, and i have a vacation planned for the end of september. one of my last semesters of undergrad starts not next week but the week after. as i stop and really look, these next few weeks will rush by, in complete opposite to my seemingly forever long summer. i look forward to moving past this middle.
i also wanted to use midpoint theory to do a quick recap of the work ive done so far on mini 1000. my rough drafting of the prompts this week has this entry at day 4, the true midpoint of the week, but its kinda fitting that its on day 5 i think. im really excited about this project. i find myself itching to write everyday and after i finish the entry, i look forward to writing something else. i really want to do some more long term planning as far as journal posting and goal setting, but for now i want to enjoy my time with mini 1000. theres lots of things i want to implement for myself but i wouldnt of known about them if i didnt attempt mini 1000. it would of been easy to give up on day two when i didnt write at all, but i think that its good i just took my time with it. this entry is a bit different from the others as i wrote it early in the morning while i couldnt sleep. i think the tone is a bit different too, but i think its fitting for the topic. it feels good to have achieved something so early in the morning, as well as making the rushing of my thoughts quiet down. ill probably write again this evening, but im looking forward to what the next couple of days brings me.
as an update to the initial draft the same evening, im finding that theres a lot of things id like to do differently going forward. my mind is racing with ideas to make this posts better. i find that when i reread them, i could add more and explain things more deeply. but i wouldnt of known if i hadnt tried mini 1000. as we move from this middle, i can make these changes for the future. when i had written it this morning and said everything i needed to, i found that i was 300 or so words short. so i stopped and now this evening, im finding the gaps i still wanted to fill. my doubts and nervousness have mostly evaporated after this entry. im really looking forward to whats next.<\cut>
word count: 1,538
reading time: 5 minutes
