summer 22 mini 1000 - day 3: identity
Aug. 9th, 2022 03:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zoomieyoI meant to write about this for day two but man yesterday. was a day. my mom ended up getting in a car wreck (shes okay!) and we had to adjust the whole evening around it. i meant to write before i went to bed but i was just so tired that i curled up in bed and went right to sleep. i woke up around 1 in the morning and then i couldnt get comfortable enough to fall back asleep. all that aside, lets talk about identity.
when i initially drafted out my ideas for the 7 prompts, i thought that identity was going to be this really heavy piece where i kinda explained the frustration had with who i was. honestly, its not going to be like that at all. but theres been three instances that have helped me to realize that its not that i dont know myself/my identity, its that im not actually… living that identity.
in introduction, i had said
it was after that, that i was reminded of another moment from my interview. The interviewer had prompted me to explain what I loved about my job and I had easily said
I shared these ideas with a friend of mine and he had challenged me, saying
I think that all of this goes to show just how avoidant I’ve been of embracing who I am. I’ve always pushed the person I wanted to be to the side. I’ve avoided doing certain things, because I didn’t think that I was worthy or I was the right person to do something. I think my love for reading others blogs comes from a true genuine love of reading, but also the desire to find a way to actively embrace who I am and who I want to be.
like I said at the start, I was really expecting identity to be heavy. But over the last couple of days, I’ve found that instead I’m just kind of silly. My identity has always been sitting there, looking me in the face. It’s in the fact that I love reading blogs, my enjoyment of media, the stories I’m attracted to, the people I admire and the people who love me. My identity is that of a writer, and a creative and all of the other label words you can pick and choose to describe me, but there’s also the layers of complexity and nuance. There’s the way that I can’t hide disappointment on my face because my lips quirk downward everytime without fail. There’s the overthinking side that analyzes and reanalyzes and picks apart each thought when I really let it drown me. The ever developing zeecore and brand where it makes sense that I’m learning japanese just through sheer immersion in so many different medias.
Over the summer I thought I had been having an identity crisis (because, what is a leo without an identity crisis) but as I approach my 23rd birthday this Sunday, I feel so much more sure of who I am. I don’t know that I’ll ever have a good way to easily and concise way to explain who I am. But I don’t really think that it matters to do that anymore. I think that I can move forward knowing that I’m comfortable with who I am.
I’ve always loved the image that others seem to be able to inspire in me. I love being able to learn and pick up subtle quirks of people. I admire how others seem to be able to freely share who they are online. I’ve always been a bit shy about sharing myself and the dreams and things I want. I’m the type to carefully think out everything I want to say, take days and hours crafting the perfect caption or carefully planning out a strategy that covers all of the potential disasters. I think my attempts at newsletters kind of showcase this- the various interations of caring too much versus not caring enough are present between the different aims. But throughout each, theres still this undercurrent of “oh yeah, thats zoe.” I never realized just how much my identity my brand my vibe etc, comes through in the little I have shared. I think about the ways I’ve always tried to bend to fit into any situation (an unfortunate trait that stems from my insecurity in myself) and how I end up miserable because of it. Even now, my current identity struggle stems from being in too many different worlds. I haven’t yet been able to marry the identities I have, so I struggle with being too much of one or the other.
The different worlds I occupy also directly contrast with each other: office worker versus student versus retail worker versus artist. how do you marry this ideas into a consistent entity? how do you create art when you are at the office or the classroom? how do you connect with others your age unless in the classroom or at your retail job? how do you embrace all these things, and how do you accurately define yourself as anything other than busy?
I’ve always wanted to do so much. My current dream revolves around a studio where I have the space to create and explore everything I’ve wanted. It’s bright and vibrant and I can provide for myself in it. The studio is the culmination of everything I’m interested in. The dream of the studio is something that simultaneously so far yet so close. I really think that the studio is only the edge of something greater.
I feel that I got a bit off track on identity throughout this but I don’t mind the meandering quality of exploring what identity has meant to me thus far. I think I had a different idea of the way that the prompt was going to turn out, but ultimately I like this version. I think that there’s probably more to say about identity and what it means. I think that I’ll get too off track if I try- I also think that mini 1000 for me is an exploratory exercise so each piece should be able to stand alone, but really theyre all interconnected. As I’ve worked on it, I wanted each piece to encourage me to journal post authentically… but I didn’t want to stifle myself too much so I let myself meander within reason ahaha. Identity is a combination of all that has come before and all that comes next. I’ve been thinking about a quote I saw recently that explained how as you are growing up, you never really feel like that next age, but you still are. It talks about how youre still you when youre 10, when youre 16 when youre 21. Its obvious of course, but I think that for me it prompted me to really consider and look at these past versions of myself and who she is in relation to who I am. Identity is all about choosing how you want to exist and what you want to share. At least, thats what I think identity is for now.
word count: 1,492 words
reading time: 5 minutes
when i initially drafted out my ideas for the 7 prompts, i thought that identity was going to be this really heavy piece where i kinda explained the frustration had with who i was. honestly, its not going to be like that at all. but theres been three instances that have helped me to realize that its not that i dont know myself/my identity, its that im not actually… living that identity.
in introduction, i had said
how do i explain the nuance of who i am? why do i expect to be able to wrap myself up neatly into little phrases or nicely defined boxes like this? i’ve always wanted to explore every path available to me, and i never wanted to get stuck in one place. i think it comes from a longer ongoing issue of identity- who i act as, who i think i am, who i want to be.
i had an interview recently, where i felt that i didnt sell myself well. in describing my own disappointment with the interview, my dad left me this bit of wisdom: “You are much more complex than a 30 minute interview.” It helped to encourage me not to beat myself up, but the lasting impression has further added to my confusion and frustration of creating introductions for myself.
it was after that, that i was reminded of another moment from my interview. The interviewer had prompted me to explain what I loved about my job and I had easily said
“The people. I love connecting with people. I love making a guest smile, or that thank you as the leave the store. I love my coworkers, and our leadership. I leave work feeling energized.”And I really truly meant it. These ideas made me realize that for a good portion of my life… I’ve missed out on connecting. Truly being able to connect with others. I found this love again last spring when I decided to start streaming on a whim. I even got to talk about this during my interview- there’s something about working with and connecting to other people that is so fulfilling to me.
I shared these ideas with a friend of mine and he had challenged me, saying
“you’ve got one of the most coherent identities of anyone I know my friend, you are very consistent. trust me. you [know exactly who you are. you just havent embraced it]. its something you’ve spent years working to cultivate! sometimes you just doubt what you want for yourself.”
I think that all of this goes to show just how avoidant I’ve been of embracing who I am. I’ve always pushed the person I wanted to be to the side. I’ve avoided doing certain things, because I didn’t think that I was worthy or I was the right person to do something. I think my love for reading others blogs comes from a true genuine love of reading, but also the desire to find a way to actively embrace who I am and who I want to be.
like I said at the start, I was really expecting identity to be heavy. But over the last couple of days, I’ve found that instead I’m just kind of silly. My identity has always been sitting there, looking me in the face. It’s in the fact that I love reading blogs, my enjoyment of media, the stories I’m attracted to, the people I admire and the people who love me. My identity is that of a writer, and a creative and all of the other label words you can pick and choose to describe me, but there’s also the layers of complexity and nuance. There’s the way that I can’t hide disappointment on my face because my lips quirk downward everytime without fail. There’s the overthinking side that analyzes and reanalyzes and picks apart each thought when I really let it drown me. The ever developing zeecore and brand where it makes sense that I’m learning japanese just through sheer immersion in so many different medias.
Over the summer I thought I had been having an identity crisis (because, what is a leo without an identity crisis) but as I approach my 23rd birthday this Sunday, I feel so much more sure of who I am. I don’t know that I’ll ever have a good way to easily and concise way to explain who I am. But I don’t really think that it matters to do that anymore. I think that I can move forward knowing that I’m comfortable with who I am.
I’ve always loved the image that others seem to be able to inspire in me. I love being able to learn and pick up subtle quirks of people. I admire how others seem to be able to freely share who they are online. I’ve always been a bit shy about sharing myself and the dreams and things I want. I’m the type to carefully think out everything I want to say, take days and hours crafting the perfect caption or carefully planning out a strategy that covers all of the potential disasters. I think my attempts at newsletters kind of showcase this- the various interations of caring too much versus not caring enough are present between the different aims. But throughout each, theres still this undercurrent of “oh yeah, thats zoe.” I never realized just how much my identity my brand my vibe etc, comes through in the little I have shared. I think about the ways I’ve always tried to bend to fit into any situation (an unfortunate trait that stems from my insecurity in myself) and how I end up miserable because of it. Even now, my current identity struggle stems from being in too many different worlds. I haven’t yet been able to marry the identities I have, so I struggle with being too much of one or the other.
The different worlds I occupy also directly contrast with each other: office worker versus student versus retail worker versus artist. how do you marry this ideas into a consistent entity? how do you create art when you are at the office or the classroom? how do you connect with others your age unless in the classroom or at your retail job? how do you embrace all these things, and how do you accurately define yourself as anything other than busy?
I’ve always wanted to do so much. My current dream revolves around a studio where I have the space to create and explore everything I’ve wanted. It’s bright and vibrant and I can provide for myself in it. The studio is the culmination of everything I’m interested in. The dream of the studio is something that simultaneously so far yet so close. I really think that the studio is only the edge of something greater.
I feel that I got a bit off track on identity throughout this but I don’t mind the meandering quality of exploring what identity has meant to me thus far. I think I had a different idea of the way that the prompt was going to turn out, but ultimately I like this version. I think that there’s probably more to say about identity and what it means. I think that I’ll get too off track if I try- I also think that mini 1000 for me is an exploratory exercise so each piece should be able to stand alone, but really theyre all interconnected. As I’ve worked on it, I wanted each piece to encourage me to journal post authentically… but I didn’t want to stifle myself too much so I let myself meander within reason ahaha. Identity is a combination of all that has come before and all that comes next. I’ve been thinking about a quote I saw recently that explained how as you are growing up, you never really feel like that next age, but you still are. It talks about how youre still you when youre 10, when youre 16 when youre 21. Its obvious of course, but I think that for me it prompted me to really consider and look at these past versions of myself and who she is in relation to who I am. Identity is all about choosing how you want to exist and what you want to share. At least, thats what I think identity is for now.
word count: 1,492 words
reading time: 5 minutes
