1(2222)4 & hesitation --
Dec. 24th, 2024 10:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zoomieyoI have always had a deep love for genshin's "collected miscellany" title for the skills showcases they post. I feel like the phrase just has the perfect capture of my style of stream of consciousness writing... I've always wanted to steal it for a dreamwidth entries series hahaha. anyway... collected miscellany following:
started to do a bit of weekly reporter yesterday but then got distracted by hsr AHAHA. I couldn't figure out what to put under enjoying either... today it dawned on me that it should have been kocchi no kento's discography, and in my head by natori... anyway. also felt some resistance in writing- I've been trying to get back to using obsidian but I also feel pulled to write in my analog journal, but the easiest comes by typing directly into the dreamwidth editor. I've put too much pressure on my other mediums unfortunately.
I looked up towards my shelf as I finished that last paragraph and now I'm reminded of everything I still want to buy... why am I so addicted to shopping. why do I want to order so much stuff right now... big things are these ridiculous hexagon pinboards (for a hobby I no longer collect in), a silly sony vlogging camera (something I want to do, but how often do I even take pics), some makeup (granted this is for Work as a Fancy Makeup Set For Work), some other random stuff too.. will my shopping mania ever end??????? its not like buying this stuff is going to fulfill it because I'll probably just want something else next week... ugh. this is the result of the deprivation of buying things I put myself through. a horrible cycle of "stop being a consumer! you need to save your money!" and then "what impact do I even make on the consumer cycle... what am I even saving my money for???" unfortunately... I also just fucking love shopping. online, in store, doesn't matter!!! I wanna shop!!!
I look again at my shelf (typed self initially and felt a very strange feeling) and I see the the little a5 6 ring binder I was convinced would help me get into deco art journaling... I see all the other planners over there too.. the bamboo doll base, pots, my lamp... my desk is a site of... unfinished works. of half done, half baked plans and projects... I want to close out these loops. I want to achieve something...
I want to pivot topics and talk about the title as a segue into combining the last paragraph and some recurring thoughts I've had. yesterday's date was 12/22/24 which for some reason that 2222 really resonated with me- I felt like a lot of gears were turning behind the scenes... making things right. I even saw a lot of angel numbers today on my drive into work too. (888 and 2222 again) I wanted to make a weekly reporter post and I also wanted to make a playlist to round out the year with all the songs I'm enjoying right now.. but I just hesitated. hesitation as a form of avoidance. hesitated because what if I couldn't explain myself well enough or if I couldn't make it match the idea of it in my head: shiny and perfect and great..I wanted hesitance to be a real word1, hesitancy didn't quite match the feeling- too active. hesitance as a passive state. hesitance as a stuckness.
sometime later--
well I got super tired in the middle of writing this and went to bed. now I'm settled on the couch, watching physical 100 season 2 with my parents and brother.
hrm. I want to write more but it feel uncontained, not quite what I want. distracted. all the time I'm distracted from "what I want to do" but... is it really what I want to do? sometimes I just wanna lay in bed. sometimes I don't want to write at all.
distracted distracted distracted. GYAHHHH... I wanna make a new entry.. I wanna talk about goals and vision boards and all that feel good stuff.. goodness.
1- I initially did a google search for hesitance as word but it kept pulling up hesitancy so I figured it wasn't real.. but now auto correct is telling me it is a real word. compounded by a second google search showing it to be a real word....
started to do a bit of weekly reporter yesterday but then got distracted by hsr AHAHA. I couldn't figure out what to put under enjoying either... today it dawned on me that it should have been kocchi no kento's discography, and in my head by natori... anyway. also felt some resistance in writing- I've been trying to get back to using obsidian but I also feel pulled to write in my analog journal, but the easiest comes by typing directly into the dreamwidth editor. I've put too much pressure on my other mediums unfortunately.
I looked up towards my shelf as I finished that last paragraph and now I'm reminded of everything I still want to buy... why am I so addicted to shopping. why do I want to order so much stuff right now... big things are these ridiculous hexagon pinboards (for a hobby I no longer collect in), a silly sony vlogging camera (something I want to do, but how often do I even take pics), some makeup (granted this is for Work as a Fancy Makeup Set For Work), some other random stuff too.. will my shopping mania ever end??????? its not like buying this stuff is going to fulfill it because I'll probably just want something else next week... ugh. this is the result of the deprivation of buying things I put myself through. a horrible cycle of "stop being a consumer! you need to save your money!" and then "what impact do I even make on the consumer cycle... what am I even saving my money for???" unfortunately... I also just fucking love shopping. online, in store, doesn't matter!!! I wanna shop!!!
I look again at my shelf (typed self initially and felt a very strange feeling) and I see the the little a5 6 ring binder I was convinced would help me get into deco art journaling... I see all the other planners over there too.. the bamboo doll base, pots, my lamp... my desk is a site of... unfinished works. of half done, half baked plans and projects... I want to close out these loops. I want to achieve something...
I want to pivot topics and talk about the title as a segue into combining the last paragraph and some recurring thoughts I've had. yesterday's date was 12/22/24 which for some reason that 2222 really resonated with me- I felt like a lot of gears were turning behind the scenes... making things right. I even saw a lot of angel numbers today on my drive into work too. (888 and 2222 again) I wanted to make a weekly reporter post and I also wanted to make a playlist to round out the year with all the songs I'm enjoying right now.. but I just hesitated. hesitation as a form of avoidance. hesitated because what if I couldn't explain myself well enough or if I couldn't make it match the idea of it in my head: shiny and perfect and great..
sometime later--
well I got super tired in the middle of writing this and went to bed. now I'm settled on the couch, watching physical 100 season 2 with my parents and brother.
hrm. I want to write more but it feel uncontained, not quite what I want. distracted. all the time I'm distracted from "what I want to do" but... is it really what I want to do? sometimes I just wanna lay in bed. sometimes I don't want to write at all.
distracted distracted distracted. GYAHHHH... I wanna make a new entry.. I wanna talk about goals and vision boards and all that feel good stuff.. goodness.
1- I initially did a google search for hesitance as word but it kept pulling up hesitancy so I figured it wasn't real.. but now auto correct is telling me it is a real word. compounded by a second google search showing it to be a real word....
no subject
Date: 2024-12-28 11:50 pm (UTC)looking back over hestiance, hesitancy, hesitation, I feel like I was being really nitpicky over something so little HAHA