evening! mini 1000
Sep. 2nd, 2024 08:24 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zoomieyoaccidently clicked on notepad as I thought "sitting with the feelings... am I wasting my time?"
been complaining about needing a simple word editor and maybe its notepad haha. the goal is 100 words, 500 words if I can, and a 1000 if I feel like it.
already finding problem with notepad in that since it isn't actually a word processor/editor thing the line doesnt wrap.. technically no good writing features either. torn about writing tonight. feeling the "work next day" dread creeping up on me and wondering what I need to actually do to resolve this horrible feeling. what am I working on?
I don't really want to complain.. but I think that warm up writing for me is always complaining. even in morning pages I would complain. I need to start doing morning pages again I think. I didn't want to post more complaining to dreamwidth. I dont even really want to complain about my life but I am wondering what I'm even doing. do I really have goals? what are they? I have general directions I want to head in, but no map, no concrete satisfying anything. anyway. I saw a post on twitter saying "I havent done anything groundbreaking, I've just been trying to be okay-"
I can't keep typing on notepad. I'll get back to above in a second. I just knew that as soon as I tried to port it over to dreamwidth it would have been a nightmare and a half to adjust the text wrap. got it fixed up and now we are in dreamwidth editor again~
anyway, back to above. I saw that image and thought. huh yeah that's where I'm at. I feel like I've become boring. I feel like I've stopped having fun. what would be fun? what would be cool to work on and say I'm working on?
a list of cool stuff:
what are you doing? "oh I'm a graduate student in a dual program" "oh I'm waiting on this teach english abroad program" "I do a little bit of streaming.. media work I guess? I'm not really a content creator but I do post stuff online." "I keep a little blog and I'm coding my own website.. its the home to all my projects. It's been a lot of fun." "I lift weights almost everyday. I'm trying to squat, bench, deadlift my bodyweight and I've been working on like calisthenics and functional movement. Like today, I just did 5 consecutive pull-ups." "I've been getting back into rock climbing." "I have a little online shop where I make stuff." "I'm going to pottery again tonight." "I picked up my bass and I've just been noodling around on it. I've been working on this song.."
that's the kind of stuff I wanna say! that's who I am! not a fucking teller at a bank LOL. typing all that out made me feel like an npc or like I was writing dialog for a character in a video game.
man. what other cool stuff do I want to do? I guess I wanna do some tarot. I already have a feeling though that it's gonna tell me what I already know... I need to get to work. I need to make real plans. I need to stop fucking around and being wishy washy on stuff. everything in the above? takes some work. I guess there's nothing else to do besides just get to work on it and post updates here..
I was on tumblr a bit ago and I looked through my inbox and saw a bunch of messages I never responded too for oc asks so at some point I also wanna do stuff there.. I'm kinda in this weird space where I wanna talk to people but dont really put forth a lot of effort on it. tumblr I guess is a little different but I could reach out to people there.
I'm trying to figure out the mental balance of "how do I do everything I want to do." but I'm feeling like its less of a to-do list and more of a recap list. "today I worked on my website" "tomorrow I wanna go climbing." "tonight I played some video games and did some writing and now I'm kinda bored so maybe I'll noodle around on bass." those kind of feelings. theres gonna be to do list items but creative work and hobby work and fun shouldn't be on the to do list except "how did I have fun today" I think. having fun isnt like having a job with a completion item. hm. I've never really thought about it this way but I think its right. I was scrolling on twitter before I started writing and accidently clicking on notepad, and I got off because I asked myself if I was having fun. earlier today I was watching some youtube and definitely was having fun. or I was checking up on some fanart for nero's bday and that was fun. but I find myself sometimes not having fun and just scroll scroll scrolling because I'm not intentional with my downtime. hm.
I think the only caveat to the recap of fun is making sure that I don't get stuck in that kind of intention-less spiral. sitting here writing is fun. but playing stardew was also fun. and I was semi productive, helping dad re-arrange the garage this morning. wish I would have done my laundry and taken a shower but eh. those can all be taken care of eventually.
whats the difference between to do list item and having fun? deadline? pressure? there's something tickling my brain about fun recap and I'm not sure what it is. it's lurking on the edge, a consideration that will make the whole thing click properly. . . . . cool stuff... what cool stuff do I want to do... . . . . its kind of about chasing the next cool thing? oh. having something to look forward to and something to work on.
maybe it's less about thinking. actually no maybe. IT IS less about thinking. gotta stop thinking planning etc etc. gotta do more. how do you do more? you just pick it up. open the notepad editor, unzip the bass case, buy the ticket to the movie, etc etc. open up the application, send the email. you gotta make it fun or you just gotta let it go and work on it. that's the answer. no more "is this the right thing" well if it isnt youll find the right thing. you just gotta make the first step.
I always feel like I get back to this point but I haven't made it stick to where I'm just doing stuff. hm.
1120 word by the way. when you stop thinking about it and just put your foot on the gas and go.. stuff happens. thats the lesson. put your foot on the gas and just go. have fun~!
added a title, added tags and mood but wanted to add this too:
its so funny how once you get it going you want to keep going. last night and today I felt like I wanted to write more and more and more after I did the stream of consciousness style writing. you get the wheels all greased up and now I don't feel so dreadful about work. plus why let work bother me. I'll take care of transactions, and get out of there and come home and write some more. definitely need to get back into morning pages and get more writing on dreamwidth. I'll become a better writer if I can have conversations with myself like this but also if I just get words on a page anyway. plus, refinement can always come later. hm. now I think I'm done haha!
been complaining about needing a simple word editor and maybe its notepad haha. the goal is 100 words, 500 words if I can, and a 1000 if I feel like it.
already finding problem with notepad in that since it isn't actually a word processor/editor thing the line doesnt wrap.. technically no good writing features either. torn about writing tonight. feeling the "work next day" dread creeping up on me and wondering what I need to actually do to resolve this horrible feeling. what am I working on?
I don't really want to complain.. but I think that warm up writing for me is always complaining. even in morning pages I would complain. I need to start doing morning pages again I think. I didn't want to post more complaining to dreamwidth. I dont even really want to complain about my life but I am wondering what I'm even doing. do I really have goals? what are they? I have general directions I want to head in, but no map, no concrete satisfying anything. anyway. I saw a post on twitter saying "I havent done anything groundbreaking, I've just been trying to be okay-"
I can't keep typing on notepad. I'll get back to above in a second. I just knew that as soon as I tried to port it over to dreamwidth it would have been a nightmare and a half to adjust the text wrap. got it fixed up and now we are in dreamwidth editor again~
anyway, back to above. I saw that image and thought. huh yeah that's where I'm at. I feel like I've become boring. I feel like I've stopped having fun. what would be fun? what would be cool to work on and say I'm working on?
a list of cool stuff:
what are you doing? "oh I'm a graduate student in a dual program" "oh I'm waiting on this teach english abroad program" "I do a little bit of streaming.. media work I guess? I'm not really a content creator but I do post stuff online." "I keep a little blog and I'm coding my own website.. its the home to all my projects. It's been a lot of fun." "I lift weights almost everyday. I'm trying to squat, bench, deadlift my bodyweight and I've been working on like calisthenics and functional movement. Like today, I just did 5 consecutive pull-ups." "I've been getting back into rock climbing." "I have a little online shop where I make stuff." "I'm going to pottery again tonight." "I picked up my bass and I've just been noodling around on it. I've been working on this song.."
that's the kind of stuff I wanna say! that's who I am! not a fucking teller at a bank LOL. typing all that out made me feel like an npc or like I was writing dialog for a character in a video game.
man. what other cool stuff do I want to do? I guess I wanna do some tarot. I already have a feeling though that it's gonna tell me what I already know... I need to get to work. I need to make real plans. I need to stop fucking around and being wishy washy on stuff. everything in the above? takes some work. I guess there's nothing else to do besides just get to work on it and post updates here..
I was on tumblr a bit ago and I looked through my inbox and saw a bunch of messages I never responded too for oc asks so at some point I also wanna do stuff there.. I'm kinda in this weird space where I wanna talk to people but dont really put forth a lot of effort on it. tumblr I guess is a little different but I could reach out to people there.
I'm trying to figure out the mental balance of "how do I do everything I want to do." but I'm feeling like its less of a to-do list and more of a recap list. "today I worked on my website" "tomorrow I wanna go climbing." "tonight I played some video games and did some writing and now I'm kinda bored so maybe I'll noodle around on bass." those kind of feelings. theres gonna be to do list items but creative work and hobby work and fun shouldn't be on the to do list except "how did I have fun today" I think. having fun isnt like having a job with a completion item. hm. I've never really thought about it this way but I think its right. I was scrolling on twitter before I started writing and accidently clicking on notepad, and I got off because I asked myself if I was having fun. earlier today I was watching some youtube and definitely was having fun. or I was checking up on some fanart for nero's bday and that was fun. but I find myself sometimes not having fun and just scroll scroll scrolling because I'm not intentional with my downtime. hm.
I think the only caveat to the recap of fun is making sure that I don't get stuck in that kind of intention-less spiral. sitting here writing is fun. but playing stardew was also fun. and I was semi productive, helping dad re-arrange the garage this morning. wish I would have done my laundry and taken a shower but eh. those can all be taken care of eventually.
whats the difference between to do list item and having fun? deadline? pressure? there's something tickling my brain about fun recap and I'm not sure what it is. it's lurking on the edge, a consideration that will make the whole thing click properly. . . . . cool stuff... what cool stuff do I want to do... . . . . its kind of about chasing the next cool thing? oh. having something to look forward to and something to work on.
maybe it's less about thinking. actually no maybe. IT IS less about thinking. gotta stop thinking planning etc etc. gotta do more. how do you do more? you just pick it up. open the notepad editor, unzip the bass case, buy the ticket to the movie, etc etc. open up the application, send the email. you gotta make it fun or you just gotta let it go and work on it. that's the answer. no more "is this the right thing" well if it isnt youll find the right thing. you just gotta make the first step.
I always feel like I get back to this point but I haven't made it stick to where I'm just doing stuff. hm.
1120 word by the way. when you stop thinking about it and just put your foot on the gas and go.. stuff happens. thats the lesson. put your foot on the gas and just go. have fun~!
added a title, added tags and mood but wanted to add this too:
its so funny how once you get it going you want to keep going. last night and today I felt like I wanted to write more and more and more after I did the stream of consciousness style writing. you get the wheels all greased up and now I don't feel so dreadful about work. plus why let work bother me. I'll take care of transactions, and get out of there and come home and write some more. definitely need to get back into morning pages and get more writing on dreamwidth. I'll become a better writer if I can have conversations with myself like this but also if I just get words on a page anyway. plus, refinement can always come later. hm. now I think I'm done haha!
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 03:32 am (UTC)I used to use notepad exclusively, before I switched over to scrivener. I guess it gets the job done?
Sometimes I consider a to do list less of a “you must do this” (though sonetimes deadlines…) and more of a “I need to get these tasks/possible tasks/goals out of my head because they keep bumping into each other” and so writing it out helps.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-04 01:41 am (UTC)You have my kudos for using notepad! I got frustrated a couple lines in haha. I've been meaning to check out scrivener for a while, maybe now is the time...
I agree that writing it out helps and I love this refreshed concept of a to do list. I definitely struggle with a "you must do this" attitude so this might help me set down some of that pressure.
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 05:05 am (UTC)also your addendum is inspiring to me! i always think i need to be coming across a certain way on here but also screw that... dw is such a peaceful place for me and i want to lean into being rougher around the edges in journal posts and thinking aloud more here
no subject
Date: 2024-09-04 01:46 am (UTC)I'm so glad addendum inspired you!! I feel the same way that I want to come across a certain way and that dw is so peaceful and cozy. I find that when I just let dw work be rough around the edges and very thoughtful/thinking out loud, I have a lot more fun with posting and I want to come back to posting. could also be I'm at a stage where I have to figure myself out by just taking a leap and seeing what happens ;p
no subject
Date: 2024-09-03 05:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-09-04 01:48 am (UTC)tarot for me always feels like a friend too. I think I'm at a point where the friend is giving me the side eye: "quit looking for advice and just do it already!" still encouraging but knows that I'm just wringing my hands haha!